Yesterday, Corey Feldman confirmed the rumors that Richard Donner and Steven Spielberg are working on Goonies 2, the unnecessary – and kinda offensive – sequel to one of the best kids movies ever made.
The sequel, which has been ummed and erred about for years, was brought up again the other day by director Richard Donner in an interview with TMZ, and later confirmed by 42-year-old actor Feldman, who played Mouth in the original. Obviously it set the internet ablaze with excitement and anger in equal measure – let's face it, no one can sit on the fence when it comes to The Goonies. And I’m sure you can guess where I stand in relation to this nostalgia-fuelling favourite (the headline was your first clue).
COREY FELDMAN ISN'T COOL ANYMORE.
Kid Corey Feldman – or "Mouth" as he was known in The Goonies – was cool. He sported a Purple Rain Prince T-shirt, a rad haircut, and was the cheeky, wisecracking friend everyone found irritating yet somehow lovable. Today, Feldman moans about people at his parties and spends his days tweeting Corey Feldman-praising articles like “Not Even YouTube Can Break the Unbreakable Corey Feldman” and retweeting excessive amounts of ego-stroking tweets from weird stalker-fans. Picture Mouth, 28 years later; what’s he up to? Does he still like Prince? Do you care? No, because all you see is an actor in his forties, with a dodgy haircut, keen to climb aboard the conveyor belt of fame once again.
80s MAGIC IS AN INEFFABLE THING THAT CAN’T BE RECREATED.
No matter what the film's makers say, they’re clearly keen to capture the magic of the original as if it were something you could bottle and sell. Only problem is, that inexplicable magic is something that was unique to the mid-80s, not to mention the circumstances in which most of us first saw the movie as kids (for me, it was the mid-90s, when classic kids adventure movies were everywhere I turned). Nostalgia's a slippery fish. Richard Donner is a different director (did anyone see Timeline?), Spielberg a different producer (his sensitivities to kids’ imagination seem long gone). The ingredients to satisfy the more-of-the-same desires of the film's audience simply don’t exist. Can you cook a pizza without tomato and cheese?
THE LORD OF THE RINGS HAPPENED TO SEAN ASTIN.
Just as Elijah Wood ruined his chances of being cast in anything half-decent and ever being taken seriously again, Sean Astin made the textbook mistake of lending his face to a franchise that would forever rename him “that dude from Lord of the Rings”. I mean, we’re talking about the central star of The Goonies here. Either ditch that dude from Lord of the Rings or find a replacement. Better still, screw up the whole remake idea and throw it in the wastepaper bin right now. Other Goonies that have become well known in recent times are Josh Brolin (No Country for Old Men), who played Mikey’s older brother in the original, and Corey Feldman, known now for being Corey Feldman, obviously.
THE ORIGINAL CAST HAS CHANGED A LOT. BUT THEY CAN’T SAVE GOONIES 2 ANYWAY.
We all know Josh Brolin stormed ahead in the post-Goonies fame game, but what happened to the rest of the pack? Well, as you can see above, Data still sounds exactly the same, Corey Feldman is weirder than ever, and Chunk is... Chunk is.... OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO CHUNK????!!!!
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