While it's all good and well to try and re-cap the week's movie news, we realise that it's the end of the week and the daily grind has probably all but frazzled your brain, to the point where you can't concentrate on actual words or things that aren't brightly coloured. This is where the internet sensation for GIFs comes in, because why try and explain things when you can simply capture all your emotions in one constantly looping moving image.
SCAR-JO'S GETTING WEIRD.
Jonathan Glazer is prepped to release Under the Skin, his follow-up to Birth (2004). I know, it's been a while, right? And guaranteed Glazer's won't be disappointing us on the oddness front. Where Birth dealt with a woman's increasing belief a 10 year-old boy was the reincarnation of her dead husband, Under the Skin is an adapation of Michel Farber's sci-fi novel which follows an alien in human form as she travels across Scotland and seduces men she finds along the way, with unpleasant consequences. Guaranteed this is the weirdest thing to hit Scotland since Trainspotting's ceiling baby, if the utterly surreal trailer is anything to judge by.
THE DREAM OF THE '90s IS ALIVE IN PARIS, THANKS TO GRETA GERWIG.
Ever since Gerwig secured her place as the new Queen of Cool thanks to the success of this summer's Frances Ha, we've been absolutely dying to hear news of what the actress would serve up next. Well, news has arrived, and, yes, it's good news. Very good news. Gerwig will be lending her dancing skills to Mia Hansen-Løve's Eden (or possibly Lost in Music in the UK), which covers a 20 year-span of Parisian electronic music from the 90s to today.
ANOTHER MOVIE FROM DEREK CIANFRANCE! YAY! IT AGAIN SOUNDS REALLY DEPRESSING! YAY?
I'm starting to think Cianfrance has some kind of underhand deal with Kleenex, the way he keeps making these weepy, weepy family dramas. From Blue Valentine to Place Beyond the Pines, Cianfrance is now about to adapt the novel The Light Between the Oceans. When a couple living in a remote lighthouse adopt a baby found in the wreckage of a ship instead of reporting it, they must return to the mainland years later and face the harrowing consequences of their decision. Urgh, that is the weepiest, most Cianfrance-iest plot description ever. Don't be surprised if he hires Gosling again to make sad eyes at the camera.
BILL MURRAY FINALLY CHECKED HIS ANSWERING MACHINE.
You know that story about how Billy Murray is only contactable through an answering machine that he rarely checks? Probably explains why the man's career is so erratic. However, Murray's decided to put the golfing and party crashing on the backseat for a short while to team up with Barry Levinson to film Rock the Kasbah. However, The plot sounds a little dodgy: a washed-up music manager loses his only client on a USO tour of Afghanistan only to discover a little girl with a golden voice who he then mentors through The Afghan Star, the country's own version of X-Factor. I know, it sounds kind of horrible, and to be honest we're needing something good from Murray after Hyde Park on Hudson didn't turn out so good. Come on, Murray, we believe in you!
HAYAO MIYAZAKI HAS RETIRED (FOR A SECOND TIME).
While the man attempted to retire all the way back in 1998 after the production of Princess Monoke took a toll on the animator, this time round it seems like it might be for real. Word didn't come from the man himself, in the way all actors seem to fleetingly mention in interviews and then star in 20,000 movies, but from the President of Studio Ghibli. Koju Hoshino announced at the Venice premiere that "he wants to say goodbye to all of you." Sad face.
OLGA KURYLENKO IS GETTING SOME FREE CLOTHES.
JOACHIM TRIER'S ENGLISH-LANGUAGE DEBUT HAS BEEN CANCELLED. WORST.
The man behind Oslo, August 31st's next project would have been entitled Louder than Bombs; would have starred Jesse Eisenberg, Isabelle Huppert, and Gabriel Byrne; and would have dealt with a war photographer's family discovering a dark secret about her past. Apparently, there wasn't enough funding for it. But there was enough money in the world to make sure the next Transformers movie had Dinobots. Extreme sad face.
AND THIS WEEK IN WORLD OF YOUR NIGHTMARES...
It's been announced that Dakota Johnson and and Charlie Hunnam will play Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey in the 50 Shades of Grey movie. Every day that passed without a cast confirmed, a tiny little bit of hope sparked in my heart that maybe this movie would eventually fade from existence and be forgotten about. But now, well, this is the last thing needed to finally set it in motion. SADDEST FACE OF THEM ALL.