Things James Franco Hasn't Done (Yet)

By
Clarisse Loughrey,

Anyone who's a regular reader of Grolsch Film Works will know that we're very interested, and a tad bit concerned, about James Franco's current working schedule. In the past week alone Franco released his latest film This is the End, signed on to direct an adaption of William Faulkner's The Sound and The Fury while almost simultaneously dropping out of directing Garden of Last Days, filmed Good People in London with Kate Hudson, was named the new face of Gucci's Made to Measure perfurme as well as releasing a movie directed for the fashion house, all while trying to evade getting served with court papers. He also made me write the longest sentence in the history of mankind.

The fact is, Franco just keeps doing things, meaning there must be a point reached at which there will be no more things to do. Which is where I've decided to step in and help the man by suggesting a couple more things he could add to his already overflowing roster of projects. And considering Franco really likes to have his face Photoshopped onto other people's faces, I like to think of this as the ultimate tribute.

1. DELIVER KATE MIDDLETON'S BABY.

The most important baby of the year (sorry Kanye) is about to be born and there's a golden opportunity up for grabs for anyone who feels like doing some historically significant work. Not only does Franco get to experiment with an entirely different field of work, but the media attention would afford him the chance to create a performance piece about celebrity culture to end all performance pieces about celebrity culture. To be honest, I've not really cleared this with the Duchess of Cambridge herself, but I can't imagine she'd be anything but calmed by the presence of the star of the Spiderman franchise.

2. PLAY THE ROLE OF RICHARD PARKER IN LIFE OF PI 2.

For all Franco's hard work, he's only managed an Oscar nomination for 127 Hours and not, what I like to call, the "Full Oscar". Which is something I think would be good to get corrected. And, we all know that a physical transformation + playing against type = guaranteed Oscar. It's as easy as stealing candy from Daniel Day-Lewis.

3. CARVE A BUTTER SCULPTURE OF HIS OWN FACE.

To be honest, Franco has expanded himself into pretty much every artistic sector, so it's difficult to really find new creative channels to suggest to the man. Which is why I've been forced to turn to the skilled medium of butter sculpture. Where better to test his limits and seek new profound meanings than in a giant tent at a state fair and among the stench of expired dairy?

4. SAVE JOAQUIN PHOENIX FROM A CAR ACCIDENT.

I don't know if you can really call this a "project", but there's always going to be worth in getting your inspiration from Werner Herzog. To fill you in if you're unfamiliar with the story: when Phoenix's brakes failed on a winding L.A. sideroad and flipped his car over, Herzog came to his rescue, pulling him out of the wreckage before driving off into the sunset like a German Batman.

5. BE THE LAST MAN IN HOLLYWOOD TO SIGN UP FOR JANE GOT A GUN, SINGLEHANDEDLY SAVE THE PRODUCTION.

Considering the number of projects Franco has been attached to and the number of actors who have been signed to star in Jane Got a Gun at one point or another, it's pretty surprising that Franco hasn't crossed paths with Natalie Portman's western project. Although things are supposedly secure now, with Ewan McGregor and Joel Edgerton taking the male roles, Franco may still want to consider prepping himself to swoop in as actor/director/artiste/saviour if any further trouble brews on set. What I'm saying is that he should buy a horse and some armour so he can be sure to make a grand entrance when the time comes.

6. GO INSANE ON OPRAH.

This would be a particular challenge for Franco considering The Oprah Show doesn't run on TV anymore, but imagine the feeling of achievement he would get from not only bringing Oprah out of retirement, but then out-crazying Tom Cruise (something which I'm not sure is even physically possible).

7. RELEASE HIS OWN FRAGRANCE LINE.

I mean, this is kind of an obvious one. I wasn't aware you were allowed to be a celebrity without releasing your own perfume. I think we could be on to a real winner here though. Eau de Franco: smell like you've been up all night writing poetry. It's basically the scent of coffee breath and stale cigarettes.

8. BE THE LEAD SINGER IN A J-POP GROUP. 

I was going to suggest any kind of music career, but apparently Franco has already beat me to it and released two EPs: one with performance artist Kalup Linzy and another with a former classmate from Rhode Island School of Design, Tim O'Keefe, forming the band Daddy. Neither of those were J-Pop though, so I'm going to suggest J-Pop.

9. LEARN CLOSE-UP MAGIC.

I'm going to assume Franco has no problems with the ladies, but, hey, imagine the seductive power Franco could harness if he knew how to wow them with close-up magic.

10. DO WHATEVER BILL MURRAY IS UP TO THESE DAYS.

I really feel like Franco has the potential to become a future Bill Murray, a man who has become legend, a man who crashes karaoke parties and college dorm raves or golfs wearing a ridiculous Elmer Fudd hat. Can't you just picture it? You're there at your family BBQ, bored out of your mind, when suddenly James Franco rolls out from underneath a nearby hedge and starts whipping out some close-up magic on your aunts. It's frighteningly plausible.

Got any better suggestions of what James Franco should be doing with his spare time? Let us know in the comments – your own Photoshop efforts would be more than welcome...

Follow Clarisse on Twitter: @clarisselou
 

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